Empty inside

I know my mom wants me to write. Pam loved my writing. However, it's hard to write about what's going on when you don't feel anything yet. I have tried. I've done everything I can to feel something and yet I still feel nothing. I know this won't last long and it will be a flood when it's over, but for now I don't feel anything. I haven't shut down, but how can you write to let out the pain when it's just not there yet. I hate feeling numb. My friend Jessica asked me if I had cried about things yet and I told her not really. There were the initial reaction tears, there were a few tears when I thought about not being able to go see the family, but there has yet to be that good cry that comes with hurting. I do hurt...I think but I just can't feel it yet. I am sad sometimes. I just don't know when that breakdown will come. Soon enough. I'd put $50 on it coming the first time I see my dad, but if not I know that Sunday at church it's bound to pour, even though it didn't yesterday. I don't know, but I'm ready to feel something about this. Right now I just feel empty inside.