2005
Thursday, Dec. 22 -- I went to the ACU basketball game with Janeen tonight. We played Angelo State and won 90-85!! It's always great to beat Angelo. I told Norman I would stick around and say "hi" after the game so of course I did. We found out that there were a few players not going home for Christmas day. We were going to invite them over, but they said they were going to their coach's house, so my mom invited them for Christmas Eve. Bless and a new one Dre and my favorite Josh Bigby are coming!! Yes, I finally got to meet Josh. I got his number so we could call him about Saturday. You should have seen me acting like a 14-year old again. It was ridiculous. Later, Will said I should come hang out and when I got there everyone else had already left. Josh and Dre wanted to go to Whataburger so I took them over there. This guy I really didn't want to talk to kept texting me and Dre told me to tell him I was on a date with the Josh Bigby. I laughed and we went home. Dre and Josh went to bed and Will and I stayed up to watch Scream 3. I'm bad with scary movies as it is, but their screen door was broken and the wind would randomly catch it and slam it shut. I thought I was going to have an asthma attack right there. Once the movie was over, I said good-bye and Merry Christmas. Will was going home to Austin.
Saturday, Dec. 24 -- It's Christmas Eve!! Earlier today I was trying to get ahold of Bless to remind him about dinner. I had to call a couple people, including Josh to try and get his number. I finally got it from Will and got ahold of him. I told him I'd pick him up since he doesn't have a car. Later this afternoon, Josh called me back and I told him what I had been wanting. He asked me where I live and when I told him I lived near ACU he asked if I could give him and Dre a ride home from the gym. Evidentally coach had taken them up there, but left and they were a bit stuck. I got there and Josh came straight out. We were sitting in the car waiting for Dre and he seemed to be taking a very long time. Josh told me to honk and I didn't want to, but he insisted, so I did. He then told me how rude it was to honk and proceeded to honk my horn again and blamed it on me as Dre walked out. They must have said thank you for the ride 15 times on the short ride home. I dropped them off and told them I'd be back in a couple of hours to pick them up for dinner.
I picked up Bless first because he lived the closest. We drove over to 1302 Hickory to pick up Josh and Dre. Josh climbed in behind Bless and Dre behind me and it didn't take them long to learn the most leg room was behind the short driver's seat! When we got to my parents' house we started snacking on a cheese ball and crackers. If there was a cheese ball to start with, it was gone by the end of the night! Those boys ate it all up. I was snacking on some dried pineapple and yogurt covered raisins. Josh asked if he could try what I was having, so I shared and he loved it. The guys told me how Dre's nickname was Watson and someone mentioned, "Hey now we have Watson and little Watson (pointing at me)." When it was time for dinner, Dre and Bless scooted in on the back side of the table, Josh and I sat on the outside and Mom and Dad sat at the ends. The boys were either very hungry or really loved our food. Josh liked the rolls. I'm not sure how many he had, but I know there weren't many left over. My mom told Josh if he liked these rolls he should try my Granny's because they were even better. "Better than these!?" he replied in a bit of shock. After dinner was over, we gave the guys some goodie bags with beef jerky and chocolates and assorted edible things. Each one also got a giant sugar cookie with his name written on it. They got brownies too.
We headed out and on the way to the car, Josh raced Dre to get a spot behind my seat. After he was in, Bless volunteered to take the other back seat since he would be getting out first. Dre snickered at Josh as he climbed in the front seat. On our way, Dre began his sermon. "We just ate at the Watsons, Amen?" "We had a feast of food, Amen?" "It was the best food we have ever eaten, Amen?" Josh and Bless snuck in Amens between fits of laughter. We dropped Bless off and headed over to the others' house. When we got there, Dre asked Josh if he had a key. Of course Josh didn't and said he thought Dre had it. They shook the door, Josh climbed into the backyard to check the back door, they tried to pry windows open, all to no avail. Finally, Josh pulled out a credit card and managed to pry the lock to the front door open. I felt it so comforting that their locked door could be opened with a thin strip of plastic. As I went back to my car they thanked me and said "Merry Christmas, T."
2006
Friday, Dec. 22 -- I got up rather early for me this morning. After a shower, my mom and I headed to lunch at McKay's bakery. I had broccoli and cheese soup in a bread bowl. We started over to Texas Star for gift shopping, but I had a throbbing headache, so I took a nap in the car. When we got home, I downed my Tylenol and took another nap. When I woke up, Mom and I joined Aunt Linda and Buddy to see "We are Marshall." It was a good movie and I felt myself tear up as one of the guys lost his cool and asked why his teammates had to die. I envisioned another team, one close to my heart, that had lost a member recently. Last night I cried a long time for my friend Josh. It was Thursday and it reminded me of an Angelo State game I went to last year. It was where my friendship with Josh Bigby began. After the movie I headed home to get ready for work. Work went by slow and then I came home and went to sleep.
Sunday, Dec. 24 -- I got up in time for church this morning. We got there late and our normal seats were gone. The Christmas music was joyful, but I cried through most of "O, Holy Night." After the sermon and communion, our preacher,
Mike Cope, got up and told the congregation of a loss. Tyler Sheets, 19, had grown up in our church. He was killed Thursday in a one car accident. The day before, he had written a long letter to his parents. It was suppose to be for their upcoming wedding anniversary. Mike reminded us, if you have something to say, you should say it. As the congregation sang "Go Tell it on the Mountain." I was angry and bitter. I cried and cried. I asked what I was suppose to go tell, that here is God and he will kill your kids? I still don't see how things are fair. I don't understand how bad people who make the world dangerous get a chance to keep living, while good, caring people who make the world a better place have to suffer such loss. I am hurt and angry at God that he would take my friend. I remember last year and the joy of having him around on Christmas Eve and this year their is an emptiness.
Pam, Josh's mom told me one time she saw a cross on the side of the road and prayed, "Thank you God that I do not have a cross on the side of the road." Now she does. Her friend reminded her though, "God has a cross on the side of the road too." We all do. Our brother died on a cross beside a road. So, tomorrow we celebrate and remember his birth, just as the Bigby's will remember and celebrate Josh on April 24. In the spring we will remember Christ's death and resurrection on Easter. We will remember Josh's death and resurrection on April 28. His resurrection to heaven was made possible only by the first birth and death (Christ's), so I guess tomorrow I can still celebrate the birth of a son, brother, friend even as I mourn the loss of another.
Lauren Winner writes about mourning in her book Muddhouse Sabbath. It is a book about blending Jewish traditions into Christian life. The Jews have a cycle of mourning that lasts for a year and then commemorates the death anniversary each year.
This calendar of bereavement recognizes the slow way that mourning works, the long time it takes a grave to cool, slower and longer than our zip-zoom internet-and-fast food society can easily accomodate. Long after your friends and acquaintances have stopped paying attention, after they have forgotten to ask how you are and pray for you and hold your hand, you are still in a place of ebbing sadness. Mourning plateaus gradually, and the diminishing of intensity is both recognized and nurtured by the different spaces the Jewish mourning rituals create - the harrowing shock of aninut - the days after death and before burial, the pain of shiva - the first week after burial, the stepping into life and world of shloshim - the first month after death. (The rabbis would be quick to point out that we do not observe the calendar of mourning because it is psychologically beneficial, but because it is commanded - and that is true, but why should it be surprising that God commanded something that therapists might now applaud?)...Not only is the community present for one's mourning, God is present too. God is ubiquitous in Jewish bereavement because of the Kaddish...Even in the pit, even in depression and loss and nonsense, still we respond to God with praise. This is not to say that the mourner should not feel what he feels - anger, disbelief, hatred. He can feel those things (and shout them out to God; God can take it). You do not have to feel praise in the intense moments of mourning, but the praise is still true, and insisting upon it over and over, twice a day every day (in saying the mourner's Kaddish), ensures that eventually you will come to remember the truth of those praises.
So tonight, though I am not Jewish, I will light a candle and remember my dead. We will say Kaddish, though not with 10 adults present, and we will try to remember the way God taught the Jews, our ancestors to mourn. We will allow ourselves to feel. We will see the empty spot at our table and remember a presence that once filled it. As anniversaries come and go, we will mourn and we will remember. Tonight, difficult as it may be, is part of the healing process. As we sit in advent, awaiting the birth of a king and savior, we also sit anxiously awaiting the day he returns and we are reunited with the ones we love, never to part again.
"Glorified and sanctified be God's great name throughout the world which He has created according to His will. May he establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days, and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon; and say, Amen.
May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.
Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, adored and lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be He, beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.
May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.
He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen."
--The Mourner's Kaddish
The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. -- Job 1:21
