Empty inside

I know my mom wants me to write. Pam loved my writing. However, it's hard to write about what's going on when you don't feel anything yet. I have tried. I've done everything I can to feel something and yet I still feel nothing. I know this won't last long and it will be a flood when it's over, but for now I don't feel anything. I haven't shut down, but how can you write to let out the pain when it's just not there yet. I hate feeling numb. My friend Jessica asked me if I had cried about things yet and I told her not really. There were the initial reaction tears, there were a few tears when I thought about not being able to go see the family, but there has yet to be that good cry that comes with hurting. I do hurt...I think but I just can't feel it yet. I am sad sometimes. I just don't know when that breakdown will come. Soon enough. I'd put $50 on it coming the first time I see my dad, but if not I know that Sunday at church it's bound to pour, even though it didn't yesterday. I don't know, but I'm ready to feel something about this. Right now I just feel empty inside.

Forever in my heart....
I went down to Livingston on April 27 and spent the weekend of the one year anniversary of Josh's death with his family. On April 28, I went to Josh's grave before lunch, then we spent the afternoon eating hamburgers, hanging out on the dock and his mom, Pam taught me to jet ski.
Pam and I had become quite close over the past year. On Thursday, June 7 I received a phone call from my mom that Pam had been killed in a car wreck. I'm still very numb and very much in shock so I really don't have any words. I don't know how much one family must be expected to bear.
I was going to go back this summer for just a normal, fun vacation, one that wasn't so much a memorial trip. I guess plans have changed.
I would write more but right now I have nothing I can come up with to say. It hasn't really set in yet, but when it does, I know the words will start to flow.
I certainly love Liz and Harrison and Brig and Brigham. I'm going down to see them soon.
I hope the rest of you will pray for the Bigby family and for our family as we have lost another friend.
My mom has written more and so if you'd like to read her blog, please visit http://patsywatson.blogspot.com/.
MzB, I love you. You're forever in my heart.
--June 10, 2007

View from Heaven
Sometimes we find ourselves at a loss for words. We just cannot seem to put into tangible form all the things that are racing through our minds and all the emotions that swim in our souls. Sometimes we find that someone else, who knows us better than we know ourselves can hit a nerve and say everything we need to let out and sometimes the words come best in a song. This was shared with me this morning and it is perfect because I couldn't find these words myself, but I didn't need to. They have already been written for me.

I'm just so tired
Wont you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So i can hitch a ride with you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just aint the same without you in my life
Late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singin life just aint fair
Sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone
And im sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

Feel your fire,
When its cold in my heart
And things sorta start
Remindin' me of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that i had gone up with you too
And i'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

You wont be comin' back
And i didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish i got to say goodbye
And im sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
I hope that all is well in heaven
Cause it's all shot to hell down here
I hope that i find you in heaven
Cause i'm so...
Lost without you down here
You wont be coming back
And i didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish i got to say goodbye

<3

yellowcard - view from heaven
--June 11, 2007